Choices

Today, I made a choice to be happy.

That's what it was. A choice.

Because I can't control what happens to me. What others do or don't do. What is said or not said. I can't control if my baby wakes up with a snotty nose or if I still can't hear out of my left ear (How long does it take an ear infection to go away???). I can't control that my husband left us. That his thoughts and his mind are clearly not his own. That he may or may not choose to return. That he may or may not ever love me or want me again. I can try to do things, but ultimately, what he decides is his decision, if he stays or goes, and I can only do so much.

What I can control, however, is me. I can control how I react.

And how I have reacted so far is this...
Anger.
Bitterness.
Sadness.
Crying.
Talking with friends.
Hugging my baby.
Being a good mommy.
Being a bad mommy who fed her baby a cupcake for breakfast.
Being a bad mommy who laid on the couch while her baby watched an hour of Bubble Guppies...okay, an hour and a half of Bubble Guppies... standing on a stepstool...right in front of the tv.
More crying.
Being hurt. Feeling crushed. Feeling alone. Feeling unwanted and unloved and miserable and like a part of me has died on the inside.

But today, I decided to look at the bright side. Perhaps not the bright side of being left. But, I looked at what was good:
My cinnamon crunch bagel at Panera with honey walnut cream cheese.
Playdate with my friends at the park.
Picnic lunch, complete with a Dorito-hungry toddler.
Fresh peach for snack.
Humorously finding holes in all but three of Zoey's sippies.
Taking out the trash and cleaning the microwave because I know there is no one else to do it.
Wiping a snotty baby face.
Wiping a snotty baby face again.
A random kiss from said snotty faced baby at Panera.
Seeing a friend randomly in town. And getting hugs.
Cuddle time.
An independent toddler who enjoyed having the playground at the park almost all to herself.
Going down the slide.
Putting Zoey on my shoulders on top of the swingset and seeing all we could see.
Drying three slides at the park with a cardigan from my car.
A free mocha cookie crumble frappuccino from Starbucks.
Making a new recipe for dinner.
Zoey making up for not eating much yesterday by devouring five chick'n nuggets for dinner.
Coloring with markers while laying on the living room floor.
Being instructed to draw "wawa" on different parts of the paper for the fish I drew.
Zoey hugs.
All of my aquarium fish are still miraculously alive months after I bought them!
Clean kitchen. Three dirty cups in the dishwasher. No other dirty dishes!
Clean baby. She was pretty dirty today.
Bike ride around the neighborhood.
"Hot Cross Buns," "ABC Song," and "The Wheels on the Bus"...a million or so times.
A bunch of silly animals on that bus... singing while swinging.
Finding the first zucchini of the season on our plant! Sending a picture of Zoey with the zucchini to my mother-in-law. She's got her Pappy's gardening genes, she says.
Nap time.

So today, despite what I was handed in life, I chose happiness. And it worked. What a powerful thing, to be able to determine the outcome of your day. Today, I choose...

Tomorrow, I hope he comes to counseling... So many things I want to say. I want him to choose happiness. I want him to choose his family. I want him to come home. For me. And for Zoey. And for himself.

But no matter what happens, I know what I choose for myself.

(P.S. Today, I accomplished a school task! And I have made all but one of the recipes I intended to make last week! My school stuff pile has decreased by half. And the rest of my house is pretty impressively clean. Knowing it's just you and no one else is going to clean something...well, that's pretty motivational as well. That trash isn't going to take itself out, so I might as well do it now... otherwise, it's just going to be me doing it later...)